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The ‘Good’ & ‘Bad’ of Interracial Relationships

The ‘Good’ & ‘Bad’ of Interracial Relationships

One of the disadvantages of being an interracial couple is the fact that you have to bite your tongue so often in order to get by unscathed.  There is so much more that can be said on this blog, but I can’t help feel like I’m always holding back on certain topics…stuck in “bite your tongue” mode.  Yesterday, I got a couple comments from a reader who’s had to deal with a lot in her interracial relationship.

Hearing her share her story really got me thinking about all the things that I don’t share here…and why I don’t share them.  It’s not because I’m afraid exactly, but I guess there is this knee jerk reaction that comes with “learning your place” in order to prevent the onslaught of attacks that come with being committed to someone of another race.

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Guaranteed, racism doubles when the offending races are in close quarters and being in an interracial relationship means that you’re in the “line of fire” every time there’s a dispute.  You can count on your family acting out…with your partner there…and even more so when they get you alone.  To all the interracial couples out there, I just want to say…I know where you’re coming from.  Our experiences might not necessarily be the same, but I can definitely relate. Here’s a bit more of mine and my husband’s story…

Before I met my husband, his parents gave him the talk…you know…the one where they tell him that a woman who isn’t Mexican (or at the very least, Latina) isn’t suitable for marriage.  He was told that he could only marry a Latina…period…and it was preferred that she be Mexican.  His mother would harp on him again and again that he’d better NEVER marry a black woman (that’s saying it politely).  And of course, I got the same speech from my mother (at age twelve no less!) and with very graphic language.  So, when it came to the point that his heart chose me, he was nervous that his mother wouldn’t accept me…and she didn’t in a lot of ways, but I think she was relieved that at least I wasn’t black.  I was a “good” white girl, as she called me…”not like most Anglos”.  So there was always that stigma there about my being white.

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She would point out all the time about how funny their family would look to other Mexicans now that there was a ” little white girl” in the group.  “All the other Mexicans are going to wonder what this white girl is doing with us” she would add with a chuckle.  I think she was kind of proud in a way…that she felt her associating with me meant that she was better than other Mexicans.  It always struck me as odd and I felt kind of guilty to discover that she thought of me as “higher class” than Mexicans in a way.  I hated that my presence had this quality to it.  There was always this lingering sense that I was different or that I thought myself superior.

Imagine her surprise when my family turned out to be “low class”.  We weren’t professionals, we didn’t have money and yes, we were often crudely unrehearsed in our social etiquette.  For her, this was like a double blow…now, not only did she have a white girl in her family to “water down” the genes, but the girl had no status and was completely useless in any plans she might have to elevate her appearance amongst Latinos.

My status within the family dropped day by day and I was constantly reminded by her and my sister-in-law that I was an outsider.  They never trusted that I wasn’t racist and they always pointed out how “Latinas are more beautiful” and would tell me all the ways in which I didn’t measure up as a woman. It seemed they always had to “remind” me that I wasn’t better than them…as if I wasn’t aware.  They would encourage my husband to see me as less than a whole woman, simply because I wasn’t Latina.  It hurt…it still hurts.

In the end, we had to cut ties with them and move out of state to feel like we could breath because they were always trying to control my husband’s life and judge every decision that he made.  When it came to the point that they questioned our daughter’s racial identity and said that I wasn’t fit to raise her because I wasn’t Mexican, we’d had enough.  That was the breaking point.

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For my husband, it was a very similar response from my family, but I would venture to say that there was no romance period for him. Many of them were upset at my choice from day one and he has never felt the sense of acceptance that I felt in the beginning. There have been brief intervals where he’s felt partially accepted, but the constant scrutiny he lives under always seems to muck it up.  No matter what happened, it seemed that he was always to blame.

From my family, the conversations were more like, “Mexicans are drunks who cheat on their wives and beat them” or “They can’t hold jobs.  He won’t be able to provide for you.”  Yeah, this amplifies when your husband is discriminated against at work, denied promotions, reprimanded at every turn, becomes the first to have his hours cut and has no choice but to listen to, and to some degree accept, racial stereotypes and slurs at work.  Is there any good way to explain this to a family that already sees your husband as “flawed” because he’s “Mexican”?  I add Mexican in quotations because it has become a word tinged with prejudice and sometimes feels more like a slur, than a badge of identity.

Having a husband who deals with discrimination is frustrating enough on it’s own, but having a family that doubts racism as a possibility can become downright infuriating.  Instead of realizing the real problem of job discrimination (Yes, it’s real!), my family would prefer to discredit my husband by assuming that he must be at fault for the mistreatment.  This is one of the biggest sources of frustration for me…the fact that people who aren’t directly affected by racism just don’t understand how it could possibly be an issue.

Nothing leaves you feeling more hopeless than a family who puts stock in their uninformed and irrational perceptions that racism flat out doesn’t exist!  According to many, it’s something that ended with slavery!  Interesting how so many many disparities exist between minorities and whites…just wondering how that’s possible if racism is a thing of the past?!  Really, the only way that this can be rationalized is by ignoring the facts and I think that as whites we are taught to ignore from a very young age.  Part of it comes out of our prejudice, but mostly, it seems that a lack of awareness grows this idea that we don’t talk about the things that we don’t understand.

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Nurturing Diversity & Multiculturalism

There needs to be more transparency and education about true diversity…not just the ‘token’ acknowledgement.  Throwing a black character into a television show does not create diversity or multiculturalism.  In order to find understanding, we must be clued in to the experiences of people of color.

For me, that meant films, books, history courses, direct interaction and becoming part of a new community.  I always knew that our family existed outside of the typical American experience because we lived in poverty, so it made sense to discover that Latinos, African Americans and other races were also segregated by society.

The sad part is that this de facto segregation is what prevents us from proceeding as a fully inclusive society that equally regards all individuals.  It prevents “saints” from accepting “sinners”, the rich from accepting the poor and one race from accepting another.  For me, this practice is the main element that prevents understanding and acceptance of those who are different from ourselves.

I believe multiculturalism is the answer.  A multitude of cultures, living in close quarters with each other and learning to accept and appreciate their differences and similarities.  As another blogger puts it, “…people in an interracial marriage or bicultural marriage [can be] ambassadors or diplomats…I think we have a responsibility to use our marriage as a teaching tool for others who haven’t had the learning opportunity that we’ve had“.  Well said!  This should be our goal as interracial couples.

This article was first published in May 2011.

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  • janechelliah
    April 9, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Ethnic minorities are discriminated against but, yet, they in turn will discriminate against others. The Asian community which I belong to discriminates against white women. I know exactly what you meant by the term 'good' white girl. I hate it. The discrimination is particularly strong against women by mothers of sons. 

    • biculturalmom
      April 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm

       @janechelliah Totally agree.  My husband has also been discriminated against by other Latinos…and often times that hurts even worse because you expect and hope that they can relate to you.  Such a disappointment when they don’t.  Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing.  <3  I’m definitely going to check out your blog!

  • Kristin Busse
    April 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I'm really sorry about the difficulties you have to face with your families and your husband's work. No es facil! I live in Cancun, Mexico and I am a white gringa, my husband is of mixed race and is from Cuba. Our son is well, a little bit of everything! We have our problems like everyone else, but I feel so fortunate to say that we haven't had any racial problems from either family, nor work discrimination, etc. Your post makes me wonder what we might face if we lived in the US. Hang in there! 

    • biculturalmom
      April 19, 2012 at 9:10 am

      Kristin, I'm so jealous!  ;)  You live in Cancun!?  I can't even imagine what beautiful beaches they must have there!  My husband and I want to go cave diving someday.  :)I'm so glad that you haven't had to go through all the craziness with family and in-laws.  It can be sooo horrible!  We've been out of state now for almost three years and I have to say, it was the best choice we ever made.  We do miss our families a lot and especially my daughter's cousins, but leaving the drama behind has granted us so much peace in our lives.  <3 

  • jsm
    April 19, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Thank you so much for this post. I can't tell you enough how much this particular excerpt stood out for me.
    "people who aren’t directly affected by racism just don’t understand how it could possibly be an issue. Nothing leaves you feeling more hopeless than a family who puts stock in their uninformed and irrational perceptions that racism flat out doesn’t exist! "
    Unfortunately this frustration leads to anger and a lot of arguments in my relationship. I'm glad I found your blog, sometimes I feel hopeless like nothing will ever change.

    • biculturalmom
      April 19, 2012 at 3:46 pm

       @jsm Thanks so much for your comment.  This was really hard for me too and I still struggle with it sometimes, but I’ve learned to stay aware from the people that bring me down.  We don’t interact with our families that much anymore and we live out of state now, which has helped…even though it’s really disappointed that things had to turn out this way.  A couple of times since I’ve moved away, my family has even called just to ask specific questions about race or racism and they always send books about race in the mail or email me when they see a shocking news report related to race.  I’m happy that it least they’re listening now.  They’re noticing instances of racism, even if they’re not getting the whole picture, it’s still a big accomplishment.  <3I wrote a post not too long ago about toxic relationships that I think might help you some.  I’ll republish it today.  <3
      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.  :)

  • A
    January 22, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Dear Chantilly, I once were in a relationship with a white midwest American girl. I live in Mexico, you could say I am an upper–middle class Mexican and, as per your definition, she was pretty much “low class”.

    When she visited Mexico my family made sure she felt welcome and so did her family when I visited them, it was really nice. She fell in love with Mexico and her incorrect preconceptions about Mexico and Mexicans changed when she spent some time here. My friends and family didn’t have an opinion about her, they simply accepted her.

    In Mexico, and more specifically in the upper socioeconomic classes, people don’t really care about race or nationality; while Mexicans in the lower part of the socioeconomic pyramid can be extremely racist and xenophobic. Mexicans living in Mexico are extremely different than Mexican immigrants living in the US, for a number of reasons.

    You could write a book about this, so that’s all I have to say about it for now. By the way, just a thought: You keep using the word “Mexican” to refer to a social group and perhaps a race. Remember that “Mexican” is a nationality and you can’t really talk about a race in Mexico because this country is a mix of races and cultures.

  • Sonia
    April 5, 2013 at 3:33 am

    Great post!!

  • Robin
    May 10, 2013 at 5:40 am

    I'm an English guy married to a Turkish (Muslim) woman. We lived in the UK for 15 years, lived in Turkey for the last 5. I would say we've been lucky not have experienced any racism in either country although Turks have definitely become very nationalistic the last few years in a way you wouldn't get in the UK or USA. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue.

    Probably the biggest problems we have had are cultural/religious. For example Turks see a white European and they assume they are Christian. I'm an atheist, maybe agnostic if you really push me. That's a concept they just cannot grasp.

    I really like living here, but there's a whole list of subjects that are off limits and can quickly get you into trouble. I wouldn't call it racism, but there's certainly an air of superiority here towards non Turks that didn't exist even 10 years ago.

    • Chantilly Patiño
      Chantilly Pati&ntild
      May 10, 2013 at 12:34 pm

      I can see what you mean Robin. I think there has been quite a bit of cultural stereotypes between our families too. My family, for example, thought that when I said I wanted to raise my daughter bilingual, that she would only speak Spanish…obviously not the case. They also had issues with my husband being Catholic and his family thought we were not "real" Christians because we're not Catholics…lol.

      Hey, if nothing else, at least you are helping to change their perceptions a little by showing them that you don't fit the stereotypes. ;)

  • Joe Mitchell
    June 5, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    Wow, very honest blog post. The thing that strikes me the most are the difficulties you have had with your family and in-laws. These I would have thought are the people who should back you up and help and support you the most!

    • Chantilly Patiño
      Chantilly Patiño
      June 8, 2013 at 4:39 pm

      Yes, it's interesting, but in our case as in many I've heard, your family is the first to object and the last to accept. Interracial relationships really aren't that much different than any other, it's more that family clashes take a toll on us because of race, culture, language barriers, etc.

  • Rachel
    January 8, 2014 at 2:29 am

    Thank you so much for this, I needed it. I am 17 years old. My dad just found out that I am dating a black male, although my mother is ok with it, my father is not. I know where you are coming from. I was raised in the deep south( MISSISSIPPI). So I have dealt with racism my whole life, speeches from my dad on how two races shouldn't mix, but I can't help who I fall in love with. You have inspired me to be happy with my relationship and try my best to help my father warm up to the fact of me dating another race.

    • Chantilly Patiño
      Chantilly Patiño
      January 28, 2014 at 6:42 pm

      Hi Rachel, I’m glad you found this post. You absolutely can be with the person you love and while family is super important, it’s also important that you and your choices are respected. My husband and I still have issues with our families, after 11 years together, but it does often lessen with time and understanding. Just remember to always have each others’ back when it comes to criticisms. If people see that you’re unwavering, they’ll eventually realize at least that your choices are yours alone. Set boundaries and know what your limits are. Then excuse yourself once they’re crossed.

  • Ayanda Ndaba
    September 14, 2015 at 5:51 am

    with interracial relationships it is the CREATOR who is in charge…the strength or longevity of that union depends on the CREATOR of all things and Ruler of all Rulers and also the One who sees what no man or woman can see with the naked eye…bearing in mind that racism xenophobia hatred ; all are spirits of and belonging to the kingdom of darkness and doom. If believers christians and all GOD fearing individuals can stand and claim to be forgiven unconditionally and have been sanctified by the "blood of THE CHRIST" but yet claim not to have forgiven a certain race for its ills against them, then there is no forgiveness at all but a facade and a lie…If all is created by GOD and he reigns over it all …so then it would be safe to also suggest that "racism xenophobia segregation hatred evil " are all but a challenge that has to be overcome by again referring to HIM the CREATOR of all these things in order to overcome them. Is it not so?…for HE created all and HE reigns over it all HE rules in Heaven and on Earth and HE knows and sees what our brains think and what our hearts feel…

    • Chantilly Patiño
      Chantilly Patiño
      February 21, 2017 at 8:59 pm

      Ayanda, I hear you. People should absolutely bring their issues to God and at the same time, be fully accountable themselves. I think that what’s needed is definitely more empathy and consideration for others. When people are able to understand someone else’s story and perspective, that is when we all win. ♥

  • Tanya
    January 20, 2017 at 3:54 am

    Hi, I only just discovered your page as I have been searching for others who share similar experiences. I am a Finnish Australian married to a Punjabi living as an Indian wife with my husband and his family in India. I am lucky that unlike you both of our family’s accept our bicultural relationship. What we struggle with is society accepting our bicultural relationship and how everyone else feels the need to provide us with unsolicited advice. Or there are those uneducated who sexualise me like I were a porn star because I am white. It is such as shame given there are so many amazing benefits to a bicultural family. It really does broaden both of our lives! I will be sure to keep following your story as I realise this is a rather old post. All the best :-)

    • Chantilly Patiño
      Chantilly Patiño
      February 21, 2017 at 9:04 pm

      Tanya, I am so glad to hear that your families have accepted you both with open arms. Society is a whole other issue and so much more difficult to resolve. I really don’t know what we can do about it other than to keep showing people the beauty of biculturalism and interracial families. Thank you so much for stopping by to comment on the blog. I’m so glad to find you hear and sorry I replied so late. I have to turn on comment notifications I think…lol.

      Also, here is a link I wrote to a post on the benefits of biculturalism. I think you’ll like it. ♥