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Why I Hate Spanking

Today is the Great Spank Out Day.  It’s a day when parents talk about their experiences and encourage other to take part in peaceful discipline, rather than aggressive discipline.  Spanking is something that I’m strongly against, and while many may not agree, I see it as hampering the relationship between a child and their parents and creating a distrust that can grow and deteriorate the relationship in the same way that verbal abuse can.  For me, I wanted to tell my side of the story today, about how I felt and why I hate spanking.

 

A lot of people will tell you that they don’t remember their early childhood, but I remember all the way back.  I remember some really wonderful experiences with my parents, when they would read me stories and have the patience to listen to me when I needed comfort.  But, unfortunately, I also have those stinging memories of my parents letting there frustrations out at me.  I clearly remember being spanked and hit as a child and that’s why I’ll never use it against my daughter. Spanking is about dominance and control…two factors that never work in parenting.

 

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I remember feeling hurt and wondering if my parents loved me or not, I remember wondering what was wrong with me…why did I always misbehave?  Why did always do things that mom and dad didn’t like?  I remember thinking that I hated them, and that nothing I ever did was right.  I remember feeling upset because they didn’t give us enough praise for the good, but would often show promptness in lining us up for spankings. The result was growing up not knowing if I was loved, not trusting my parents, and not feeling comfortable to come to them if ever I made a choice that they would be upset or disappointed with.

 

I think that spanking has become such a norm in our society that it is often difficult to take an outside look at the practice and weigh in rationally. But, just to put things into perspective…we often hear individuals voicing there distaste and shock at the hitting of a dog when they make a mistake on the floor, but for our own children, we parents have difficulty seeing spanking in the same way.  We often find that spanking is the easiest way to “correct a mistake”.  But, I have to argue that it shouldn’t be something that we strive for as parents.  I mean, would we want our president to declare war first and ask questions later?  Or we would expect him to take a more diplomatic stance and solve things in a way that’s fair for everyone involved?

 

My point is, that while we all make mistakes (including parents!), it’s more than beneficial to seek peace first.  It’s never too late to make a change and find new ways to be a positive influence in your child’s life.  My downfall is not always insisting on the healthiest foods for my daughter.  She does get plenty of sweets and often won’t eat her veggies.  As a mom, it’s my job to correct those issues…not with force, but with peaceful intervention.  I want her to learn to make the right choices, not follow my orders out of fear, because I won’t be there to give orders when she’s grown.  Our job is to give them guidance to make decisions on their own as adults.

 

Find out more about The Great Spank Out Day!

 

 

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  • Ezzy Guerrero-Languz
    April 30, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    My mom did not spare the rod when it came to disciplining us, either. All our father had to do was give us "the look" and we knew we were in trouble. I've spanked our son twice, and regret both times, although when I did it, I thought he deserved it.

    You're right about needing to seek "peace" first. Take a breather, give a time-out, and come back to it when we've had a chance to reflect. It's way too easy to lash-out in the heat of the moment, not thinking about the effect those lashings might have on a child's psyche.

    Discipline with "love," not anger.

    • Chantilly Pati&ntild
      April 30, 2011 at 1:27 pm

      Exactly! There has been a couple of times that I've been frustrated and overwhelmed with everything else and then on top of that Lily won't listen and everybody's tense…but I just don't want to go there. I don't want her to ever question how much I love her or the fact that I respect her feelings. I just look at it this way, kids act out as a form of expression and communication. Instead of taking it personally, I can choose to see their side of the story. ♥

  • Kamiyatara
    April 30, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I agree. I will not spank either. Spanking=Frustration of Parent, our kids deserve better!

    • Chantilly Patiño
      April 30, 2011 at 7:22 pm

      Thank you. ♥ This is a topic that can get pretty lonely, but I don’t think silence is the answer. Thanks for the support!

  • CJ
    April 30, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Talking about the relationship being parent and children, I remember my second-grade teacher telling our class that if our parents spanked us, it was because they loved us. I remember distinctly, even at that age, thinking, "B***S***." I did not believe even at that young age that my parents were spanking me because they loved me. Whether it was true or not (as a parent I tend to think it was true, albeit hard to swallow), it created a rift in my relationship with my parents.

    • Chantilly Pati&ntild
      April 30, 2011 at 6:38 pm

      CJ, I felt that way too. I think that our parents often do think their doing out of love because they've been taught that it's necessary for well-disciplined kids. Our generation is very lucky to have so many more resources available to us and the internet. If we have doubts, we can always go online and find resources to debunk spanking or friends to give support when everyone else looks at us like we're crazy. I don't want to hate on my parents, but I know that part of the reason for some of their poor choices was the lack of education on these topics for previous generations. I have to say though, it created a rift for me too, so I hear ya! I don't speak to either of my parents very much…one because he's the uninvolved type and the other because she can be critical and controlling at times. Despite that, I know nobody is perfect and I still love them very much. But, I refuse to allow myself to be hurt. As an adult, I can make my own choices now. ♥

  • Zoie @ TouchstoneZ
    April 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you for participating in Spank Out Day! I'm excited to find your blog, too (following now)

    Your memories of being spanked are heartwrenching. I just want to hug the little girl you were and tell here there's nothing wrong with her. She's perfectly wonderful just the way she is.

    "Spanking is about dominance and control…two factors that never work in parenting." That is spot on and one of main reasons I will never ever spank or tolerate another spanking their child.

    It is never too late to make a positive change, you're right. It's always an opportunity to find a new path to peace.

    • Chantilly Pati&ntild
      April 30, 2011 at 7:13 pm

      Thanks so much for your comment Zoie. ♥ I really appreciate the support. I think growing up we learn to see it as normal and we accept it, even though in our hearts it makes us feel broken inside. I never want my daughter to feel that way and I'm glad that I have the support of other moms out there who won't look at me like I'm a nut. Thank you for your compassionate heart. ♥

  • Kelly & Dave
    May 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    "Spanking is about dominance and control…two factors that never work in parenting." – so true. Why is it that children would not deserve the same respect and care we would give to a fellow adult or even an animal?

    I feel like we have gotten this idea that bigger equals better (and I'm speaking as one who used to feel that way before I had children – maybe because I was made to feel that I was inferior as a child?).

    Appreciate your post and finding your blog through Spank Out Day – I'm looking forward to reading more. :)

    • Chantilly Patiño
      May 2, 2011 at 1:41 am

      Thank you. I feel that even more today, there is no reason why we can’t find alternative means of discipline, without aggression. Teachers are expected to do it and they manage to quite well, so I think that parents could also discipline without aggression or spanking. It’s just a matter of finding the resources, Thanks so much for the comment and I’m so glad you found me. :)

  • Lisa Greenwood
    May 4, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    We definitely are no spanking zone here. Although our mothers do not agree with us, one does admire our way. Our school even has a “swat” policy. At registration we have the option to opt out. Which of course we do. Even with older kids, I really don’t see that swats work. If we as parents lose our temper we need to address that. As I see that the problem generally lies with our expectations of what children should be able to do. Lets pledge to help end spanking by speaking out.

    • Chantilly Pati&ntild
      May 4, 2011 at 11:11 pm

      Really good points Lisa. Thanks for stopping by! I love your blog. :)